Mags' Story
My name is Magdalene, I am 34 years old and I go by the name Mags. I am a gay woman and a part of the LGBTQ community. This is my story.
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I first came out as a gay woman when I was 13, over 20 years ago. It wasn’t easy! My first girlfriend denied that we had spoken about how we felt and I was ostracised by my peers. Eventually, everyone turned against me - including the girl I was seeing. I felt alone and confused. I didn’t feel normal. The school guidance counsellor made me feel like all my self-doubt was confirmed when they referred me to a psychologist!
I was bullied relentlessly. I felt like an alien.
It was as if I had done something terrible. I even started to doubt myself: was I wrong for feeling this way? This was a time where being openly gay in school didn’t happen. I was confused and alone. Depression started to set in.
I was experiencing a lot of physical pain in my arms and wrists, even during my teenage years, and I was soon diagnosed with *Madelung’s a disease which affects maturation of bones in the arms and legs. I underwent surgery to try and help ease the pain.
At 16 I met a man who was 20 years older than me. The age gap didn’t matter to me, although, a lot of people around me had concerns. I fell in love with his personality and his kind nature. I wasn’t sure where my sexuality stood, all I knew was I loved this person, who looking back offered me a sense of protection and stability, something I felt I needed as I wasn’t in contact with my biological dad.
At 17 the emotional strain began to take its toll. I struggled with substance abuse and was drinking heavily. I felt like I didn’t matter, my head was all over the place and anxiety was a big problem.
I used to be under the influence of alcohol, take my partner's car and drive about at night not caring if I lived or died. My relationship suffered, and I began to doubt if I was mentally able to be in a relationship at all.
I was in a deep depression and felt like there was no way out.
I struggled on through the years and, at 21, there was a little ray of light. I had been trying for a baby and I was blessed with a baby boy!
I was excited and happy that I was going to be a mum, but after my son was born I suffered from post-natal depression and felt trapped and unhappy and that I wasn’t good enough. I struggled to cope. Around this time my romantic relationship with my partner broke down.
It was a devastating blow.
My depression spiralled out of control and I was in a very dark place. I continued to stay in the same house for my son’s sake but with my mental health deteriorating I felt it was best for me to have my own place and to try and sort my thoughts. My son’s dad was a very caring and natural dad.
I had to put my son's needs first and let him stay in his father’s care.
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I didn’t have any professional support at that difficult time. I fought on alone.
I can see now that I needed help but I was too scared to ask.
My previous partner is the only man I have ever been with; I knew even then that I was gay and attracted to women. I was more confident at that point about my sexuality than I had ever been. I was a far cry from the scared teenager I had been.
I reached out within the LGBT community and soon enjoyed socialising in gay clubs and bars. I had several relationships with women - some more dysfunctional than others.
I felt I couldn’t trust people. My anxiety would kick in and I felt like it just wasn’t going to work. I was always left feeling alone with only my dark thoughts.
Then came another devastating blow.
My grandad, who I was very close to, passed away. Grief set in and I turned to alcohol to block out the pain.
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I was a mess.
Finally, I reached out and spoke to my GP. I was referred to counselling and put on anti-depressants. This did help me get my life back on track somewhat, but I had been depressed for as long as I could remember,
It almost felt normal to me. I knew I had a long way to go.
My partner at the time asked me if I had "Leri- Weill’s". Leri-Weill dyschondrosteosis is a rare genetic disorder that affects the growth of your bones. I didn’t know what she was talking about so I asked my son's doctor.
I was tested for it the same day, and I was told I did have Leri–Weill’s. This came as a complete shock, I don’t think I took it all in at the time. It wasn’t unitl I researched it that I wanted to know why I had this, it affected by one gene that you carry, was this passed down?
I wanted answers.
I always wanted to know what my biological father was like and with my current health problems I wanted to know if they any experience with Leri-Weills.
I reached out through family members to contact him. To say I was disappointed with the man he turned out to be is an understatement. I was told that he would never see me as his daughter, and because of this his behaviour towards me was extremely inappropriate!
I felt sickened and my trust issues worsened.
This situation affected my mental health a great deal. The only good thing to come out of my encounter with that man was that I did manage to have a good relationship with his mother, my gran, a lovely caring woman who has now passed.
My condition has worsened over the years as I knew it would, and if I'm honest so has my mental health. I'm in a lot of physical pain, which doesn’t help my mental pain.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve just had enough.
I'm glad I have a good relationship with my son but due to my condition I wouldn’t be able to care for him full time. He is content living at his dad's house and we have regular contact.
I try my best to keep moving forward but even day to day things can be a challenge. Simple things like showering and opening cans are difficult for me as I have limited use of my hands.
Some days I can’t have too many people around me or I feel overwhelmed.
I do enjoy other people’s company but only in small doses. Even just leaving the house feels like a big challenge and I’m happy that I’ve could make it here today to talk to you.
I still suffer from anxiety attacks, and on these occasions I like to be left alone. l'm scared that when I'm in that state of mind I'll lash out at the ones I love without thinking about it.
I can tell when an attack is going to happen as I become agitated and fidgety.
I still take my antidepressants and I am on strong pain medication. I have a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who visits me and offers support.
I need to move home soon because I need a wheelchair adapted house. I am currently waiting for suitable accommodation to become available. I hope this change will have a positive impact on my day-to-day life.
I found this interview therapeutic and I know now that it’s good to talk about how you feel, you shouldn’t have to keep it all in.
Hayley has given me the details of SAMH. I feel like they have a lot of support to offer and I I feel like the counselling services they provide will benefit me as I feel that it will be easier to open up.
I've surprised myself because I wasn’t able to talk about this last year and I think now that professional could help me move forward to a happier future.
I hope that by telling my story it will help people who feel scared to ask for help speak out, whether it be with their mental health issues or about being LGBTQ. I am extremely proud to be part of the LGBTQ community and confident now about who I am. I have come a long way from the scared, uncertain teenager I once was. Yes it hasn’t been easy, but I’m here. I have been stronger than I have felt at times and I will take Hayley’s advice and I am hopeful that I will get the support I need to keep me moving forward.
(Mags expressed that she would like to continue talking about her life to help to raise awareness. She is currently considering writing a book about her experiences I wish her all the luck in the world with her endeavors.)